The Lost One and the Road Back

I am lost, and I have to find my way back
I have journeyed into a darkness of my own making
A darkness that I sorely needed
Needed to escape from another darkness too impenetrable to bear
An ending so heartbreaking and soul rendering that I could not abide
So I ran.  I had to run, for pain and loss were too much
Too much for me to allow myself to continue
Yet I had to continue
So I ran

I ran deep inside myself
I pushed away the tears and anguish
Buried the hopelessness and helplessness
Hid the doubts and troubles, the guilt and the anger
Pushed my very soul so far from reach
That no one or nothing would be able to touch it again
Not able to attend the funeral I needed so badly to close my loss
I tried to kill and hide forever the parts of me that make me who I am
I remade myself so I could never hurt like that again

I took all of me and stowed it away
Down in that dark emptiness that I now carried in my soul
Burned there by that brief instance of nightmare, the very end of forever
I put away my ego, my self-respect, and all cares for myself
I allowed no inner joys, no dreams of the future, no future at all
And yet I denied myself the present also
Denied myself even the simple pleasures of the moment
That made up so much of me before
I cast myself out of a world I yet traveled

Turning my focus outward, I made my entire existence to do for others
My reason for being became taking care of those I still had with me
All my energies were now directed outward for all those around me
My time, my thoughts, every breath I took
Every friend in need, every imagined cause to be fought
Anything, and everything, except for myself
And as long as this remained my focus
As long as I kept the burning pain trapped deep inside
I was safe.  No fear could touch me.  No guilt could trample.  Safe

And as the days and years went by, it got easier
The lies I tell myself became believable, became my new reality
Each new problem, whether lesser or dire, tragic or heartbreaking
Became for me the center of my life, all of my life, my existence
For each instance took me that much further from having to look within
Made it that much easier to keep the demons hidden
And, though I knew the demons were there beneath the surface
Crawling and clawing in that festering, and never healing wound
I was safe, for no one could know, and none get close enough to hurt me again

But there was too much of me left
Too much of me that needed to live, to live a real life
To love and laugh, to find those simple pleasures I need so badly
So, a battle enjoyed between my real self, caged so deep
And the fantasy I had created to steel myself against any return
Bad choices taken, driven by the tiny voice I refuse to hear
Mistakes generated by the conflict within resulting in more loss, more pain
Errors in judgment guaranteed to fail
To fail because my fantasy self would ensure their failure

And now I fear, my time runs short
Already so many of those I used for my focus have moved out of reach
And too soon, I will loose the few left to me
I will be alone, alone to deal with that I cannot deal with
That which I cannot face, even after all this time
What then will be the meaning for my continuance
All I base my life on now, will be lost
Where will I find purpose to hold back the darkness
Where will I run from the pain?  I must find a way back

……………………

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre December 7th 2005

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Mystery, I Beg

Great mystery, I beg, use me as your instrument for peace

Where there is hate, let me bring love
For hate cannot stand before love and enlightenment

Where there is injury, let me bring healing
For with care and nurture, injury can be overcome

Where there is doubt, allow me to bring truth
For with truth and knowledge faith returns
And where there was despair, faith will bring hope

Where there is darkness, let me bring light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I do not seek to be consoled, as to console.
Not desiring to be understood, as to understand.

I would rather love, as to be loved.
For I know it is in giving that we receive.
In pardoning that we are pardoned.
And in dying, that we are reborn to eternal peace.

Allow the beauty of the night sky and still waters.
Restore once more my faith in mankind.

Show me again how to love my brother,
Allow that my heart be open, so I may understand.

We may seem different from each other.
Yet, we’re not so different after all.

We’re all here for one reason, the same reason
Duty bound to spread peace and love
Among all life, all races, across this world.

Reach out and touch your brother.
Take his hand and start the circle anew.
One hand within another, Spirit smiling from above…..

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre December 27th, 2007

Old wisdom

Night still and quiet, tensed calm before the storm
Moon cast shadows dancing across the plains
A soft amber glow, heralding the coming new day
Desolate baleful calls drifting echo on the wind
I stand silent and listen in deepest awe

Majestic Wolf, poised upon the high peek
Scanning ground, ever alert, pack drifting all around
Head back, voicing song, this an old cry for the elders
Howled spirit songs, piercing the edged night
And now the pack joins in

Sweetest harmony, a sacred blend
Calls reaching up to the heavens
The star lit sky alums their blissful smiles
These, the ancestor’s affectionate eyes
The pack closes

Wise beyond words, seen in his soulful eyes
Perception liken the world of old
They’d soon to retire, back to the den and safety
But first they must finish, this ritual of love
And thank mystery for the success of the hunt

The tribes, the packs, people of all clans
Had once lived remarkably different
For the world was at peace, as created and made
Meant for all life to share
And as daylight grows closer, they break from the song
Ease away toward their homes, journey now done
And a thought comes to my mind, as I watched them depart
Would my people ever to learn

Could they make time, to stand on this hill
To listen and learn what is needed
Would they ever hear, or even imagine
The quiet wise pleas of the Mother

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre December 2nd, 2007

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out
ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child
quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change…or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval

You now stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view, reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with … and in the process you learn to go with your instincts driven by the truth within you.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive, that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix thereby learning that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You also learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and when to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake by crowds of the brainwashed majority.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how to give all in love, when to stop living and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK… and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want… and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone…and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever may happen, you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.
You learn that Spirit isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, and Spirit by your side, you take a stand. Smiling, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.