Drifting Memories

Art and Words to settle my mind

It Must Be True

So many, so often…

It flashes across the television
The criers acclaim it as they sell their papers on the streets
The masses demand justice in retribution for it
So it must be true…

I hear it whispered in the dark
Rumors flying like the wind bear testimony
Our leaders stand witness to the travesty
So it must be true…

The Bibles and Qurans record it
The priests and teachers promote it
The weakest of them say their Gods have seen it
So it must be true…

The elders have said it
Tradition makes a demand of it
Generations have believed in it
So it must be true…

Hmmm,
Perhaps it would be better to observe
Maybe it would be better to learn for yourself
To analysis and discover the truth of it for yourself
To find if it agrees with the reason and sanity of life
Whether or not it is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all
And then, when the truth is truly known and at long last clear,
To accept it, and live it, to the best of your ability, for the benefit of all…

And then, it will be true…

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre November 21st, 2008

The Lost One and The Road Back

I am lost, and I have to find my way back
I have journeyed into a darkness of my own making
A darkness that I sorely needed
Needed to escape from another darkness too impenetrable to bear
An ending so heartbreaking and soul rendering that I could not abide
So I ran. I had to run, for pain and loss were too much
Too much for me to allow myself to continue
Yet I had to continue
So I ran

I ran deep inside myself
I pushed away the tears and anguish
Buried the hopelessness and helplessness
Hid the doubts and troubles, the guilt and the anger
Pushed my very soul so far from reach
That no one or nothing would be able to touch it again
Not able to attend the funeral I needed so badly to close my loss
I tried to kill and hide forever the parts of me that make me who I am
I remade myself so I could never hurt like that again

I took all of me and stowed it away
Down in that dark emptiness that I now carried in my soul
Burned there by that brief instance of nightmare, the very end of forever
I put away my ego, my self-respect, and all cares for myself
I allowed no inner joys, no dreams of the future, no future at all
And yet I denied myself the present also
Denied myself even the simple pleasures of the moment
That made up so much of me before
I cast myself out of a world I yet traveled

Turning my focus outward, I made my entire existence to do for others
My reason for being became taking care of those I still had with me
All my energies were now directed outward for all those around me
My time, my thoughts, every breath I took
Every friend in need, every imagined cause to be fought
Anything, and everything, except for myself
And as long as this remained my focus
As long as I kept the burning pain trapped deep inside
I was safe. No fear could touch me. No guilt could trample. Safe

And as the days and years went by, it got easier
The lies I tell myself became believable, became my new reality
Each new problem, whether lessor or dire, tragic or heartbreaking
Became for me the center of my life, all of my life, my existence
For each instance took me that much further from having to look within
Made it that much easier to keep the demons hidden
And, though I knew the demons were there beneath the surface
Crawling and clawing in that festering, and never healing wound
I was safe, for no one could know, and none get close enough to hurt me again

But there was too much of me left
Too much of me that needed to live, to live a real life
To love and laugh, to find those simple pleasures I need so badly
So, a battle enjoyed between my real self, caged so deep
And the fantasy I had created to steel myself against any return
Bad choices taken, driven by the tiny voice I refuse to hear
Mistakes generated by the conflict within resulting in more loss, more pain
Errors in judgement guaranteed to fail
To fail because my fantasy self would ensure their failure

And now I fear, my time runs short
Already so many of those I used for my focus have moved out of reach
And too soon, I will loose the few left to me
I will be alone, alone to deal with that I cannot deal with
That which I cannot face, even after all this time
What then will be the meaning for my continuance
All I base my life on now, will be lost
Where will I find purpose to hold back the darkness
Where will I run from the pain?

I must find a way back…

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre November 14th, 2008

Of Darkness Descent

I can find no answers
There is no place I can turn
All that I hoped for
Many lessons yet to learn

Stranded and lost here
The darkness returned
I shed tears from the irony
No hope when needed most

The universe at this time
Like an unwelcoming host
Where gone my strength
Questions new to ponder

How long must I journey
This quest of the ages
I lost and most weary
In this sea of angry faces

And I, in agony, await an answer…….

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre September 15th, 2007