Twined Souls

Tender compassionate moments of the purest of bliss,
This new day blooms into being, cool wind gently caresses,
Dew glistens on the flesh wrapping your soul, I feel your love,
Desire for more of you fills me, I need you, I need to know your love,
You have become my reason for being, my very meaning to be,
Two as one, this a journey of soul, I love you to my very core,
Hearts entwined building this newest state of belonging,
Together, we are now complete…

-easy…

The Lost One and The Road Back

I am lost, and I have to find my way back
I have journeyed into a darkness of my own making
A darkness that I sorely needed
Needed to escape from another darkness too impenetrable to bear
An ending so heartbreaking and soul rendering that I could not abide
So I ran. I had to run, for pain and loss were too much
Too much for me to allow myself to continue
Yet I had to continue
So I ran

I ran deep inside myself
I pushed away the tears and anguish
Buried the hopelessness and helplessness
Hid the doubts and troubles, the guilt and the anger
Pushed my very soul so far from reach
That no one or nothing would be able to touch it again
Not able to attend the funeral I needed so badly to close my loss
I tried to kill and hide forever the parts of me that make me who I am
I remade myself so I could never hurt like that again

I took all of me and stowed it away
Down in that dark emptiness that I now carried in my soul
Burned there by that brief instance of nightmare, the very end of forever
I put away my ego, my self-respect, and all cares for myself
I allowed no inner joys, no dreams of the future, no future at all
And yet I denied myself the present also
Denied myself even the simple pleasures of the moment
That made up so much of me before
I cast myself out of a world I yet traveled

Turning my focus outward, I made my entire existence to do for others
My reason for being became taking care of those I still had with me
All my energies were now directed outward for all those around me
My time, my thoughts, every breath I took
Every friend in need, every imagined cause to be fought
Anything, and everything, except for myself
And as long as this remained my focus
As long as I kept the burning pain trapped deep inside
I was safe. No fear could touch me. No guilt could trample. Safe

And as the days and years went by, it got easier
The lies I tell myself became believable, became my new reality
Each new problem, whether lessor or dire, tragic or heartbreaking
Became for me the center of my life, all of my life, my existence
For each instance took me that much further from having to look within
Made it that much easier to keep the demons hidden
And, though I knew the demons were there beneath the surface
Crawling and clawing in that festering, and never healing wound
I was safe, for no one could know, and none get close enough to hurt me again

But there was too much of me left
Too much of me that needed to live, to live a real life
To love and laugh, to find those simple pleasures I need so badly
So, a battle enjoyed between my real self, caged so deep
And the fantasy I had created to steel myself against any return
Bad choices taken, driven by the tiny voice I refuse to hear
Mistakes generated by the conflict within resulting in more loss, more pain
Errors in judgement guaranteed to fail
To fail because my fantasy self would ensure their failure

And now I fear, my time runs short
Already so many of those I used for my focus have moved out of reach
And too soon, I will loose the few left to me
I will be alone, alone to deal with that I cannot deal with
That which I cannot face, even after all this time
What then will be the meaning for my continuance
All I base my life on now, will be lost
Where will I find purpose to hold back the darkness
Where will I run from the pain?

I must find a way back…

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre November 14th, 2008

The Long Search

Heart weeping, never-ending loneliness
These years of lingering yearning for completion
Always striving to be strong, stay on path
While the emptiness inside consumes my soul

Brightest sparks of hope, all along the trail
The briefest of encounters, loves beginning bloom
So swiftly fading, so soon to waft away
Left behind, my feelings all crushed and burned

I’ve always known you’re out there
Somewhere out in this grand world
I’ve looked and searched, cast all about
My hope is almost gone

You the love of my whole life
Filling my thoughts and dreams
Dreams of two souls, united and one
The circle grown complete

I lay awake, all night in this bed
Thinking of having you here
I reach across, to caress and love
Chilling emptiness the only thing there

The tears that flow, I try to hide
From all of those close to me
I plant this smile, this happy face
Put act uncaring and free

I want to lay down, give up my strife
Cut adrift this battle to survive
I do not care to journey here
Without you, the love of my life

And as you’re out there, journey free
Please listen for me on the wind
You’ll hear my cry, my quiet plead
I need your heart my friend…

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre September 17th, 2007

These Words

I wrote these words to share the feelings of my heart,
To share this man’s truth, the truth the universe has revealed
I painted my feelings on the canvas of this paper
Used the hand that has longed to touch you
Touch you and reach into your soul to gently caress your tattered heart

I wrote these words as reply to the honesty God burdened me with,
To set free and let go the pain of my tired soul
Love is given freely and paid for with freedom
What are the casualties and who are the captives
Is it ever so simple or always so damn complicated

Will I ever get it right…?
I wrote these words for you
And tomorrow, as you look inside your own soul,
I wonder if you will think of them…

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre December 14th, 2005

She

I sit upon the mountaintop
Just as the sun goes down
The sky alight with the brilliance of fire
Glowing orb sinking deep in the ground

My mind searches for you, out there in the world
And I wonder for the millionth of times
Can I stretch my love out, reach across all those miles
For I miss you so much it’s a crime

As the shadows of evening, draw to a close
And the night crawlers spread cross the land
I want you to reach out, reach out where you are
And place yourself in my hands

I want you to know, the passion I have
The embers burning within
Memories of your sweetest of smiles
Shall we ever be together again

My travels have brought me, to far reaching places
But my journey grows lonely and long
If there was but a way, I’d have you right here
For this is the place you belong

But I know it can’t happen, really never will
These illusions I created, this dream but a sham
For the sad truth of the matter, hidden so long
You don’t even know who I am….

Steve ‘Easy’ Whitacre December 2nd, 2007